One dreary, sad winter’s day I found myself at Sydney’s unprepossessing international airport, two suitcases in hand, clutching my beautiful daughter Emily, struggling to breathe as I said goodbye to everything. The enormity of what I was doing was shimmering like a mirage somewhere at the back of my brain. ‘Let’s pretend I’m just going on holidays,’ I croaked, ‘I just can’t say goodbye.’ And weaving their way through that brain mirage in big letters were the words, ‘What the fuck are you doing, Jane! You’re leaving your girls! The most important thing in your life! You’re leaving your family, your friends, your job and your home. Are you completely bloody crazy?’
After a final clutch I made a strangled dash into the immigration hall. A middle-aged, middle-class Australian woman in her comfy velour tracksuit pants struggling to regain her composure, basically making a run for it; a run towards a new life.
Let’s backtrack, but let me caution you first. This is my story, as honest as I can make it, about what happened when I decided to create a new life for myself. The innate narcissism of telling my story confronts me at every turn, but here goes.
People who hear my story always say, ‘You’re so brave!’ or ‘How courageous’. But bravery had nothing to do with it. My decision to pull the rug out from under my own feet and move to the other side of the world was more about saving my own life. It was about finding a life that I chose, rather than a life that chose me.
This is the part where I say, ‘I had it all’. Well, yes, I did but I didn’t. A pretty little cottage in the eastern suburbs of Sydney, ten minutes from the beach, the smell of sweet jasmine wafting on a warm night, a palm tree swishing in the breeze in my tiny courtyard – my home. There are memories of hanging out the clothes in the backyard, naked, on a blistering hot day (‘For godsake Mum put some clothes on.’), lying in bed snuggling up with my daughters, Emily and Mads, on either side in ‘a mummy sandwich’, catching up with each other’s news, late at night in the still air, hearing the distant roar of the surf rolling in on Bronte Beach, walking through the bush gully on a sunny day, the spicy scent of eucalyptus in the air, heading down to the sparkling sea and diving into the cool, salty water. My annual birthday drinks, the only entertaining I ever seemed to manage, were held in a gardenia-scented courtyard on a summer night, full of the hum of laughing and chatting friends. There was much time spent nattering for hours with my dear friend Alexandra over a cup of herbal tea, at her place or mine, or going to dinner down the road at my mother’s place; a woman who must be the best home cook in the world, just as her mother Kath was before her. These were just a few of my favourite things.
But until you’ve experienced the empty-nest syndrome you will probably wonder what the problem was. My two lovely girls, who I had lived with, nurtured and annoyed, shouted at and laughed with, sung and danced with (when they would let me) for more than twenty years, grew up. Those beautiful, maddening, wonderful, so clever, so funny lights of my life – tra la la, they went to university, my old alma mater Sydney University. Emily to do an economics (social sciences) degree followed by a law degree, Madeleine taking on media and communications. They both did so well with very little help from me and I am immensely proud of them. They found really lovely boyfriends, Emily’s Adrian and Madeleine’s Tim, both indie rock musicians (I think it must have been a childhood of watching Countdown, en famille, every Sunday night). Then each of these gorgeous girls left home for good, leaving me to wander up and down the hallway wondering why life suddenly felt so empty. And I pined (as in‘That parrot’s not dead, it’s pining for the fjords’, to quote Monty Python), and I was alone.