Jane de Teliga had it all – a glamorous and fulfilling career as style director for Australia's best-loved magazine, a happy family life and a beautiful home in Sydney's stunning eastern suburbs. But when empty nest syndrome struck, she suddenly found herself wondering what it all meant. Who was she when she wasn't being defined by her career and motherhood? To find out, she did what many people long to do - sold the house, left her job and went to try her luck in Paris. Along the way she discovered meditation, yoga and the inescapable truth of the Buddhist saying: 'Everywhere you go, there you are'. Read an edited extract from her book Running Away from Home.
Bright shiny day: Sydney Heads from Watson’s Bay on a dazzling Sydney afternoon.
One dreary, sad winter’s day I found myself at Sydney’s unprepossessing international airport, two suitcases in hand, clutching my beautiful daughter Emily, struggling to breathe as I said goodbye to everything. The enormity of what I was doing was shimmering like a mirage somewhere at the back of my brain. ‘Let’s pretend I’m just going on holidays,’ I croaked, ‘I just can’t say goodbye.’ And weaving their way through that brain mirage in big letters were the words, ‘What the fuck are you doing, Jane! You’re leaving your girls! The most important thing in your life! You’re leaving your family, your friends, your job and your home. Are you completely bloody crazy?’
Family portrait: Emily, me and Madeleine in Sydney, 2010.
After a final clutch I made a strangled dash into the immigration hall. A middle-aged, middle-class Australian woman in her comfy velour tracksuit pants struggling to regain her composure, basically making a run for it; a run towards a new life.
This is the part where I say, ‘I had it all’. Well, yes, I did but I didn’t. A pretty little cottage in the eastern suburbs of Sydney, ten minutes from the beach, the smell of sweet jasmine wafting on a warm night, a palm tree swishing in the breeze in my tiny courtyard – my home. . . But until you’ve experienced the empty-nest syndrome you will probably wonder what the problem was.
I still had my all-consuming job as Style Director on the Australian publishing icon, The Australian Women’s Weekly. And it had taken up eight full-on years of my life while my girls were growing up. Being the style director meant that my working life involved organising, creating and directing the photographic images that enlivened the magazine. God, my working life was marvellous but after nearly eight years – hello burnout. Plucking ideas from my head, creating a concept and making it happen with a fantastic photographer and team was the best job anyone could have had and I loved it. But it finally wore me out, plundering my brain of every creative idea. In the end, it refused to cough up anything any more and I realised I needed some serious rebooting for myself and for new inspiration. Europe was the place that beckoned.
On the beach: The sublime Broome shoot with Megan Gale and Chris Colls.
Whoever I was had been submerged a long time ago in the frantic pace of just keeping everything going – juggling a really demanding full-on career while bringing up my children (albeit with the unstinting help of Damien, my very responsible ex-husband). The constant struggle with myself, the questions about who I was and how I wanted to live the rest of my life ran round and round in my brain like a hamster on a wheel.
And so an idea gradually grew in my febrile mind, it grew and groaned, it fluttered and festered, it skipped and it shuddered and it became a plan. I was going to run away from home. For so long I’d had the feeling that I wanted to live in Europe again. At twenty-six, I went to Europe, where I lived for two years, learning Italian in Perugia, and then I was awarded a scholarship to study at the British Museum, spending a year in London. I loved living in Europe. Everywhere you turned there was beauty, from incredible buildings to glorious landscapes, from simply delicious food (in Italy, not in 1970s London!), to divinely covetable clothes (I still remember seeing a trench coat lined with rabbit fur, in a window in Perugia and thinking it was the chicest thing I’d ever seen).
Style director at work: Me styling a shoot about celebrity stylists for the Australian Women’s Weekly. Photo: Juli Balla
And one could never get to the end of it; there was and is always the promise of more. At the risk of sounding precious, the search for beauty has always been my pole star, the navigation point for the way I live my life. I’d always longed to go back and live in Europe, and now there was no reason not to. There was nothing stopping me.
First, I had to ask my girls. One day when the three of us were together, I very tentatively asked, ‘I’ve been a good mummy, can I go now please?’ Emily looked alarmed. I explained haltingly that I wanted to live in Europe and that I thought I might live in Paris and – it all tumbled out. Finally Madeleine said, ‘Go, Mum, otherwise you’ll drive us mad. Just do it.’ I had their blessing! Well, more or less. I reasoned that their caring father was in Sydney and so was my mother who they adored, so I wasn’t abandoning them, was I?
La Tour Eiffel at dusk.
I put my pretty house up for sale . . . and I moved into a shabby but great flat that I rented right above my mother (oh yes), in a down-at-heel, liver-coloured brick art deco block, minutes from the beach. It was cathartic and prepared me well for a life lived with much less. I invested all my money, being told that I would never have to work again . . . yippee! There it was, all in place, my ‘running away from home’ money. I bought a ticket to Europe and packed two suitcases with some clothes (which would mostly prove all wrong for my new life), my techno lifelines – MacBook, iPod and iPhone, my trusty camera, photographs of my girls, a few books, the odd jewel and way too many shoes. Finally, unbelievably, the fateful day came and it was time to GO. I found myself at the airport walking out of my life. And interestingly, like many of the important moments of one’s life, there is no photograph of my leaving. Just the poignant memory of clutching Emily goodbye (my other daughter Maddy was in New York) and walking through the airport, overwhelmed by sadness and fear but also elation and anticipation, thinking, ‘Oh. My. God. I’ve done it.’
Yes, I did it. I had finally run away from home.
Running Away from Home - Jane de Teliga